There’s no other way to say it so I’ll just say it.
As of Tuesday, I’ve been formally dismissed from my work. I failed my probation. But don’t threat, I’m actually not in a bad mood. Yes, of course I am a little disheartened but overall this feels like a very good breakup. (It’s strange but that’s the only way that I can describe it.)
I didn’t know how I would feel because quite frankly, I have never failed anything. Like ever. But somehow, I felt this huge rush of relief flow through me yesterday when the outcome had been confirmed in a confidential meeting.
Considering what had imploded in the past few months, it was probably wishful-thinking to think that I was ever going to pass. I wanted to keep that hope alive though because it’d suck to exit without trying and fighting and for the person that I am, I give my 110% in everything that I do. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t but hand on my heart, I tried my best and that’s what it’s all about in the end.
Trying and failing. Trying and failing.
I guess you can say that this is the last instalment of 3 consecutive posts where it’s come to a built-up sad end but really, I do not see it in that way at all. This is only the beginning despite the door closing because realistically, the job role was not suitable for me. I just didn’t want to admit it in the first instance because I wanted to give the job a chance and myself a chance too. It just goes to show though, that you can’t force something that’s not for you just like how you can’t force a relationship.
Some things should just never be together.
Despite this outcome, I have absolutely no regrets in trying my hand at a completely different career path as it was still a new experience and I made friends with so many people, some who I’ll continue to keep in touch with.
Prior to this conclusion, I suppose I had it in my mind that I would be leaving because I had thought of my exit and what I wanted to do. I thought that it would be a neat idea to write everyone a Thank You card because it was the least I could do in saying all the things that I needed to say. I wanted to put a positive spin upon my dismissal and leave my mark in my own way – through writing. I wanted to say goodbye properly.
If you have never been dismissed before then I’ll tell you what happens:
You are usually briefed by your manager to attend a formal and confidential meeting later in the day after they have processed the documents with Human Resources (or similar department) for the probation review (or general review if you have passed). The point of the meeting is to go through their reasoning behind the dismissal as well as gathering your side of the story too. Afterwards, they come to a conclusion. You are not expected to complete a normal day of work so most of yesterday was me awkwardly waiting and hanging about.
They told me to login on a computer (without doing anything) and sit with the team for a bit. That was unnatural in itself as one of the guys definitely clocked on that something was up as I wasn’t doing any work but didn’t want to ask. The air started to breathe sour at that point and whilst I wanted to strike conversation, it was hard to because how could I?
That was when I was briefed by my manager in a separate room just to confirm what would be happening. Shortly after, I was free to go and was advised to come back at 16:30 for the probation review. I went back to the computer to log off, grabbing my bag and coat. I wanted to say goodbye to the team or at least to one of the guys – but again – too obvious, how could I? So I just left.
Having recalled that moment to myself just now, I am beyond glad that I went on to write a Thank You card to everyone. Because it is horrible to leave just like that. Maybe that’s why it ended up feeling like a very good breakup. I gave myself closure. I kept the tone of the Thank You cards upbeat – having been happy to have gotten to know each person, thanking them individually and reminiscing some good memories in advance.
I thanked some people more than others for more specific reasons. The previous day, after confirming that I will not be passing, I said that I really wanted to thank one person personally. I don’t know why I was asking for permission because I would’ve done so regardless but I asked anyway and they said it was fine. Thinking back, it must have been because they were happy for me to finish at 5 even though my shift was until 5:45. (FYI – I left at 5:45 anyways.)
You know, I am proud of my growth because thanking someone personally like that is not something that I ever did in the past. I used to leave a lot of things unsaid. He was quite surprised by the news but the words of comfort that subsequently came from his mouth was so lovely. He gave me reassurance that I shouldn’t be suffering in a job that makes me stressed. He also told me that he has tried his hand at so many different jobs too from wanting to teach to being a labourer to staying in this job for 3 years as opposed to 3 months. He offered that advice as a friend and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I still remember what he said, and I quote, “Don’t worry about me! How are you doing?”…again, I let my personality slip. I really put others in front of myself sometimes especially in harder moments like this where the pill is difficult to swallow. But saying thanks really eased what could’ve been a sad occasion. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s still sad but I’ll take away with me the good memories more than anything. Saying thanks allowed me to process the good rather than the bad.
When I had confirmed the news with my family, bless their hearts – they were so supportive of me. My mum came to hug me as I got home and to be honest, she was gutted for me because she knew how much I was enjoying work. Well, until maybe recently. She felt stupid for not knowing anything but I said it was fine. My siblings and sister-in-laws have all been incredible too, saying to not worry and that they’ll support me no matter what. What did I do to be so blessed?
A large part of holding onto this job was the fear of letting my family down but sometimes, fate makes the decision for you so you don’t have to. That fear got quite big until I had recouped myself but even that was not enough to savour a place at work. It’s okay though – the stars probably have bigger and better things aligned for me. I’ll try again and fail better.
This is a really lengthy post but if you do read until the end, you’re a true reader. 😘
If you can, please don’t say sorry in the comments. I am enjoying some free time now until my holiday to Hong Kong and have even extended my trip by an extra week!
I’ll be taking this time again to find what I really love and who I really am. I am not too bad – I smiled all throughout that review because I said to myself that day that I’d wear my best smile and I did. When they finally asked if I needed to collect anything from upstairs, I almost laughed and said I had done so on Monday after gathering the hint. I still find that funny so at least I can laugh about the whole ordeal.
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