Let’s be honest – it’s not the topic that I intended to start talking about in 2019 but if not now, then when?
This week started on a mediocre note to say the least (the joke’s on me because I kept saying to my friends in our WhatsApp group that 2019 is the one) but I would say that things improved and now that we’re into more or less Saturday, early morning – I am feeling okay again. (Note: I have hopes still that 2019 is still the one.)
I was reviewing my stats last night and found that last year, I wrote 38 posts in total. That’s not an awful lot because that doesn’t even average 1 post a week.
Having said that, we are onto something today because I have been meaning to talk about more serious topics on the blog for a while. Not only does the timing call for it, but the occasion too.
The period up until Christmas at work has been crazy and for me especially – my work/life balance started to deteriorate gradually until the balance was…non-existent. Sad – I know. But reflecting back, I didn’t realise that this was possibly leading me into a deep, dark place.
I started to stay a bit longer at work – even if it was just half an hour to get extra things done. I’d also go in earlier the next day. Whether or not I was actually more productive…I really couldn’t say. Part of me wants to say yes because I want to affirm that I spent the extra time wisely. But part of me also knows that my mind would just lag later in the day because of overworking myself and God knows there’s only so much your brain can take in a given time. I’m afraid my productivity did not increase but instead my self-doubt did.
If there’s one lesson to be learnt – it’s that your work/life balance is super important. I am still learning about this now and upon further reflection, I realised that this was something that I desperately needed to understand and change.
I am unashamed to say that I am a very hard working person but this can in the worse of times backfire. I end up overworking myself and not remembering to take breaks or worse yet – to have a social life. Even whilst studying at crucial stages in my life I was like this and from experience, I can definitely confirm it’s not great mentally. Sadly, you also forget about experience until you relive it again and that was Monday for me. It’s a vicious cycle.
I cried at some point in work. It’s a little embarrassing to say however I feel that it would be of comfort to a lot of women. I once read an article years ago about women crying in work and I want to say that it shouldn’t be an issue. We’re only human and if anything, I’m glad I cried because it got so much emotion out of me that would’ve otherwise kept hidden. I freed up a lot of constraints and stress that stopped me from being myself in order to be myself again.
It occurred to me that from overworking myself, I had managed to develop enough guilt and self-doubt inside me. Questions of if I was good enough started to appear in my mind. I would feel bad if I took a break and then I’d lag in work eventually anyway because I was tired from the overworking. My guilt would re-start from not having a productive day as a result. This was the deep, dark hole that I managed to create and have since, dug myself out of. I was not feeling good about myself but rest assured, everything has jump-started and I am starting to feel more like myself. I’m also learning to enjoy work a lot and not take everything so seriously.
Surprisingly, for a chilled-out person, I am learning to chill out more. I made myself a rule to not go into work earlier than I need to. I am also learning to be more forgiving to myself, to split my day into breaks and realise that I am good enough. Slowly but surely.
So there you have it – my week in a nutshell and a lesson in self-love, self-confidence and self-gratitude. I guess 2019 really is my year.
How has your week been?
Probably a different post than what you are used to reading on the blog! Have you ever cried in work? Are you hard on yourself? Let me know how you deal with your internal battles and come to the conclusion that you are indeed good enough down below! 👇👇👇
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